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You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart.
But above all, in order to be, never try to seem.
- thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"
- thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up
- would you be so kind: fucking do it
- best: i have never physically met you
- all best: this conversation is over
- all my best: i wish you would die
- happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
- i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do
- i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to
- sorry to chase: answer my email
- so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
- i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
- please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem
- i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it
- i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to
- i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
- can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to
- per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
- great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
- thanks!: i'm not mad at you
- thanks!!: please don't be mad at me
- thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk
- please advise: this might be your fault
- kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
- mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator
- can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
- sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot
- let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again
